25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 5

Times I’ve seen my husband cry:

1. Our wedding
2. The birth of our children
3. The time I mowed the grass too short

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2020

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020

My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 6, 2020

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!

Husband: It was actually a
piece of yarn.

Me: A huge, scary piece of yarn.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 13, 2020

I thought clear communication was important in a marriage. Yet somehow, saying “Yep, you told me that 214 times already” makes ME the villain.

— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️ (@ravenswng_) May 14, 2020

I just asked my husband what he’s up to today and he responded “none of your business” so quarantine is going well

— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 16, 2020

My husband hasn’t turned his TV off in 2 months but he’s gonna gripe at me for not turning out a light when I leave the room, yeah okay.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 15, 2020

Wife [in fridge]: Do you know where the turkey bacon went?

Me: No idea. [garbage disposal noises]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2020

Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 15, 2020

Don’t worry I’m used to having a meat shortage, my wife said hilariously

— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) May 7, 2020

A big part of marriage is asking your wife “Is this recyclable?”

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 12, 2020

[wife hands me present]
me: aww what’s this for
wife: just because
me: [opens present, swarm of murder hornets come out]
wife: BECAUSE U DIDN’T TAKE OUT THE TRASH

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 12, 2020

My husband just said, “Okey dokey, Artichokey,” and now I’m wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 9, 2020

Im not saying your marriage isn’t strong, I’m just saying I brought home ice cream with raisins in it, and she let it slide.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 14, 2020

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) May 7, 2020

Wife: What’s burning?

Me: I’m making a grilled cheese

Wife: You know you’re supposed to use bread, right?

Me: I’m going low carb

Wife: That’s an entire block of cheddar

Me: PROTEINNNNNN

— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) May 6, 2020

My husband has his headphones on so I like to start talking about every 10 minutes so that he has to take them off to hear me only to have me say, nevermind it wasn’t that important.

— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) May 15, 2020

Me: *grimaces*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: *remembering something embarrassing I did when I was 9* Stubbed my toe.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2020

My wife: Have you eaten today?

Me: Yup!

My wife: That’s great! What did you have?

Me: An entire family of Sour Patch kids.

My wife: Nope.

— Lucy Bexley 🏳️‍🌈 (@bexley_lucy) May 14, 2020

If I had to pick my favorite thing about marriage, it would be my wife scolding me for doing the same thing I watched her do only 5 minutes ago.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 12, 2020

My husband is cooking something with fish sauce and it was making me nauseous so he lit a candle and now it smells like fish sauce and a Hollister

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 12, 2020

There was one mozzarella stick left so I told my wife she could have it because I love her, and they tasted funky.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 16, 2020

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2020

Dear husband: why do you rip off too much tp and hang the rest on top of the roll instead of just not taking too much to begin with? pic.twitter.com/aHA8jaTvLD

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 15, 2020